420 ftw
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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