she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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