and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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