When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
