we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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