Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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