I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
