things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
