i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Alive.
So much puke
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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