nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
