Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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