Is it normal to miss your booty call?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
