I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it penis luge time yet?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
