just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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