Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
