recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
