On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sext me about skeletons
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
