Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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