I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
