I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
