We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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