i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My vagina just clenched in fear
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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