I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
