Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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