the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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