I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
