There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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