He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I need to align my fucking chakras
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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