why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
