My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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