I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
