i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
