I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
