That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You've changed since you got that strap on
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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