Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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