Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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