I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
