I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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