Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
