Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
