i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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