Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
