Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
