I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
