I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
