My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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