I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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