i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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