I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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