eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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