I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
