Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
