I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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