One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dicks are not precious.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize