I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
