I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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