Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize