Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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