I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
