i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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